A new fic, thanks to the Author!!!!!
Title: Dancing With You – Part 1 and Part 2
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Otalia (Olivia/Natalia)
Disclaimer: Not mine obviously
It feels like I haven’t seen you in a very long time. I know I see you daily at work but it’s not the same, we’re not the same anymore. You won’t let me get too close to you, like my presence alone is more than you can stand. I’ve tried to talk to you but you continue to shut me down, unable to listen as your fear control your every move.
There’s another wedding, luckily not mine this time. Remy and Christina decide to the tie the knot for real this time and I know you are going to be there. When I see you dressed in that sleek and sexy red dress I almost choke on my mouthful of wine. Just the sight of you takes my breath away. Then your eyes find mine and our gazes lock inevitably as if you think you might as well get it over with as soon as you arrive. The rest of the night you studiously ignore me.
The worst part is I want to be able to ignore you but I simply can’t keep my eyes off of you. I gave up fighting the fact that I am completely drawn to you. I watch you fix the barrette in Emma’s hair. I watch your mouth move as you talk with Reva. I watch you smile and I wish more than anything you’d smile at me like you used to. I miss the secret smile you had only for me. The one your lips wouldn’t speak but your eyes shouted. You’d blush and smile and change the subject but I knew then how you felt. I just didn’t know how to deal with it.
I see Buzz has asked you to dance as I watch him usher you onto the dance floor. I watch his hand rest on your waist and I wonder what it would feel like to dance with you. I’ve never slow danced with a woman before and I never thought I would ever want to, let alone be sitting at a wedding speculating about it.
I pretend to pay attention to the conversation at my table but I’m barely listening. I’m tuned into the sway of your hips as you glide across the dance floor. I miss the end of a story because instead of hearing the punch line all I hear is your throaty laugh as it carries to me across the room.
I don’t usually make scenes. You always tend to make enough of a commotion for the both of us. I smile as I think of some of your past indiscretions. Then again I don’t usually feel the need to do so, but today is different. Today I’m different.
I stand from my chair on shaky legs and walk towards you as you’re now dancing with Josh. I don’t know what I’ll do if you walk away again. I suppose I’ll keep finding you and trying again because it feels like the only thing I can do. Josh sees my approach before you and I see a little grin pop up on his face. I think he knows something. It doesn’t matter though because in a minute everyone else is going to as well.
When I’m beside you both I see you turn to look at me. You look confused and scared. You know what I’m going to do but you’re in denial about it, much like you are about everything else. The words of your love for me are written right there in your eyes. I can read it as easily as any book I open.
“I think you owe me a dance Olivia.” I say with as much conviction as I can muster.
Your beautiful green eyes grow wide as Josh politely excuses himself from the situation. Without waiting for a response I slide into your embrace. My right hand is on the curve of your hip. My left hand is in your right, grasping tightly. I’m afraid you’ll run. You almost stumble as I begin to lead on the dance floor but you get into step almost immediately. I knew you could follow along.
The shock in your eyes is enough to make a smile burst forth onto my face and if I thought I could get away with it I would have kissed you right then and there. I know people are watching us and talking about us and I realize I don’t care at all because I haven’t felt right with myself since we could look at each other without my heart hurting. I need you and it scares the hell out of me. As I stare into your emotive emerald eyes I think maybe that’s your fear as well.
The world doesn’t stop spinning because I’m dancing with you. No bombs go off and no one dies. In fact most people that catch my eye are smiling at us, including your daughter. As the shock wears off and you get a little more comfortable I change my hand placement to get closer to you as I wrap my hands around your neck comfortably. The dichotomy of your strength and weakness amazes me as you struggle with making what you think is the the right decision.
Dancing with you is a singular experience. You’re so soft and fluid in the way you move. You have grace and strength even in your anxiety ridden state. There is usually a certain stiffness when I’ve slow danced with men in the past, that for whatever reason, just doesn’t exist with you. I’ve never felt more at home in anyone’s arms before. With Gus it had been like fulfilling a dream that was seventeen years too late. With you it’s an epiphany.
I want to say something to you but I’m afraid to break the silence. I know you could bolt at any moment. I can see the question in your eyes, simple questions with complicated answers. I want to spend the rest our lives answering your questions. I lean in close to your ear as the song is about to end. I know this will be my last chance before you run.
“I will never marry Frank. I love you Olivia Spencer, you, and I’m happy I’m in love with you.” I whisper to you clearly. I see the shiver run through your body as the warm puff of my breath touches your neck. I continue on, “Let me know when you’ve decided to stop making us both miserable and come back home.”
With that last word I step abruptly out of your arms and make a hasty retreat to the bathroom. My emotions are so raw from being held by you I don’t know what to do with myself. I can still smell the scent of your perfume lingering around me. My knee’s feel weak as I think maybe you’ll never realize what we could have together. I want to break down and cry at the thought that I’ll never get to have another morning with you and Emma. No more ice cream, no more school trips and no more secret smiles. I hold myself together by sheer will alone as Christina comes through the door in her white gown.
She smiles when she sees me. “That was really brave Natalia.” She says with empathetic eyes.
“Thanks.” I reply as my throat constricts with sadness. “Congratulations on your wedding Christina, I’m so happy for you and Remy.” I say sincerely though the obvious melancholy in my voice sours the sentiment somewhat.
“Thank you.” She says. “It’s funny how sometimes what you least expect ends up being exactly what you need.”
I nod at her before leaving the bathroom and the wedding. I’m craving the solitude of my home. As grateful as I am to see all the happy couples it also stabs a dagger into my heart. It’s like waving candy in front of the face of a diabetic person. I drive home and the first thing I do is go to my room and shimmy out of the dress I’m wearing. I climb into my favorite pair of silk pajamas with a relieved sigh.
As I crawl into my bed alone I stare at the pictures on my night stand. I look into the smiling faces of my family and I hope that God still hears my prayers and sends them back to me soon.
I really didn’t want to go to Remy and Christina’s wedding. I knew you would be there and every time I see you I feel a stinging slice to my heart. My mind is overpopulated with thoughts of you, sometimes so much so that I forget to eat. Then when I do eat I’m not hungry and the food tastes bland.
I can feel your eyes on me. You haven’t stopped staring at me since I got here. I wonder if you are staring on purpose to make me uncomfortable but then I remember it’s you. You wouldn’t do anything so petty. Maybe you can’t control your stares any more than I can control my thoughts. We’re quite the pair.
When I said there was no ‘us’ I didn’t really mean it. My life is about pretending now. I pretend I don’t need you. I pretend I don’t want you. But inside all the pretense drops away when I look at you. I can’t avoid the truth when I look into your honest brown eyes, so I don’t look.
Emma misses you. She talks about you daily and every time she asks after you I want to cry. As much as I hate to admit it Emma and I are lost without you. I ignore the lump in my throat as my emotions spiral out of control. Buzz can see the storm brewing in my eyes and asks me to dance. It’s a welcome distraction.
While we dance Buzz tries to lift my mood with a funny comment. I laugh for his sake and I laugh for yours. I laugh to add to the pretense that everything’s fine. I’m fine. That’s how I always answer when you ask me how I am at work. Work. Work is torture. I want to fire you just so I don’t have to see you every day. But then I wouldn’t see you every day and I feel like my hungry eyes would starve from wanting you.
I’m trying so hard to do the right thing. You were the one who taught me the value in that. You’re my conscience, the little Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder. You deserve the best in this world. You deserve babies and a husband. All I want is for you to be happy. I know eventually you’ll marry Frank. I’d rather gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon than watch that ceremony again. When he called you baby that day I swear I almost threw up a little. I had to clench my teeth tightly from screaming out at the injustice of it all.
I’ve switched dance partners it seems. I look up into Josh’s kind eyes. I don’t feel like dancing anymore. I just want to crawl into a dark corner where I can be alone. I’m so sick of having to put on this show for everyone. Selfishly I want to stride over and grab you. I want to kiss you and steal you away from everything and everyone. I push my emotions down as I dance with Josh. I try to remember to smile once in a while.
“You’re not really here with me are you Olivia?” Josh’s voice cuts into my thoughts.
“I’m sorry I guess I’m a little distracted.” I reply.
“Can’t get her off your mind can you?” he asks.
I shake my head in response as my eyes begin to tear up. Josh knows all my best secrets. And then I feel your presence. I turn and you’re right beside me. You say something and before I know it Josh is gone and I’m in your embrace. It feels like coming home. You begin to lead me in a slow dance. I hear the dulcet tones of the song playing and I know I’ll never forget this tune because I’m dancing to it with you.
Everyone is watching us and I wonder what you think you’re doing. Everyone knows now. Frank is staring at me like he wishes I were dead. I bet the whole Cooper family is having a conniption. I catch Emma’s grin as she gives me a thumbs up. She so wants us to move back to the farmhouse and when I’m not lying to myself I admit that I do too.
I want to ask you so many questions but my fear keeps me silent. Instead I allow myself enjoy the feeling of your hands on me. I can hear the song coming to an end and all I feel is blind panic. I know when it’s over I’ll have to let you go again and I don’t know if I can. Then your mouth is beside my ear and your whispering everything I need to hear. I can’t help the shudder that runs through my body at the feel of your warm breath on my neck.
Then suddenly your gone, you left me standing alone on the dance floor. The shock of having you so close and then ripped away so abruptly courses through me as I stand there for a moment unmoving. I go back to my table and my daughter and sit down. Josh looks at me like I’ve grown a second head.
“What?” I snap at him.
“You’re really not going to go after her?” he asks the expression on his face showing his bemusement.
Emma stands and pulls my hand bringing me with her. “Mommy please go talk to Natalia. Fix it.” Her little voice pipes up.
“Honey..” I begin but I’m interrupted.
“She’s right Olivia. Go. I’ll watch her.” Josh offers.
I nod as I practically run towards the bathroom. When I get inside I know I’ve missed you. I see Christina coming out of the stall in her beautiful white gown. She gives me a sympathetic smile.
“You’re making it harder than it needs to be you know.” Christina says to me softly.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe I am making it harder then it needs to be.
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