Title: Dancing With You – Part 3 and 4 (final)
Fandom: Guiding Light
Disclaimer: Not mine obviously
I wake up exhausted and shuffle to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and see the dark circles that have taken residence under my brown eyes. I want to crawl back under the covers and pretend the last couple of months didn’t happen. I want to be packing Emma’s lunch in the kitchen and trying to get you to switch from coffee to tea.
Reality reasserts itself quickly. I go through all my regular morning rituals and I realize that I have to go to work and see you. I have to see everyone. I know I could call in sick and you would say it was okay. Then you’d think I’m not strong enough. I knew dancing with you would change everything. I know what loving you means.
I put on my work face and walk into the Beacon the same as I do every day. I don’t feel any different but I can see people are looking at me differently. I never liked alot of attention put on me and I feel a little uncomfortable with it. But I’m not going to let a little discomfort get in my way.
I can see you’re surprised to see me today. You thought I’d hide. I smile at you as I feel the familiar giddy sensation overtake me. I try to remember a time just seeing you didn’t make my stomach churn with love and desire. I think of a time when we hated each other and then dismiss the thought entirely. I have to continue to focus on the now. I have to remember that I love you and you love me. You’re just scared and being stubborn. I have to make you understand.
I’m planning on talking to you but I let the morning pass by. I know you’re not a morning person and I want you to be fully awake for our conversation. You’re having lunch alone in your office. It must be my lucky day. I enter without so much as a knock. You’re on the computer your food untouched. I almost begin to berate you about taking better care of yourself but I stifle the urge. There are more important things to talk about right now.
We just freeze for a moment, neither of us saying a word as I watch you drink in the sight of me. If it weren’t for that look I would have given up by now. But that look promises so much more. I need to know what that more is. I stupidly want to blurt out my love for you but you already know. You finally break the silence.
“What do you want from me?” You ask me with a pained look on your lovely face.
“I want you to try.” I reply as I move closer to you instinctively.
“Natalia..” You say my name with a note of warning.
“Just try Olivia.” I beg.
You’re so tense right now. I can see it in how your sitting. I want to go over and massage all the worry out of your shoulders. I want to kiss all of your fears away but then in your agitation you stand up.
“I am trying!” You choke out as your eyes begin to well up with tears. “I’m trying not to kiss you right now!”
This is it. This is the moment of truth. Can I take the next step? I stare at your lips quivering with emotion. I want to move forward but I’m scared, not of what it will mean but of losing control. I look into your eyes, those eyes that can cut me and heal me, and I see that you think I can’t do it. You might even think I don’t want to do it, but you are so wrong.
I move the last steps it takes to get me into your personal space. I reach up with a shaky hand and touch your face. I feel your body tense as I stare into your eyes and you stare into mine. I can feel you trying to retreat from me. Not this time.
I grab the back of your neck and pull you towards me and into a crushing kiss. It’s almost dé ja vu I think to myself as I remember the time you kissed me. You’re so shocked that at first you don’t kiss back. I ease up as I slide my lips over yours slowly. My fear has melted away as I hear you sigh and feel you relax into me.
I feel your tongue tentatively seeking entrance into my mouth as a surge of lust runs through me. I groan as our tongues battle. I’ve been kissed before but never with such intensity. You’re all around me. You’re hands are in my hair pulling me as close to you as humanly possible. I feel myself starting to lose control as I push you forcefully up against the wall behind you. Your gasp is music to my ears as I push my hips into yours.
I pull back and step away suddenly as we both gasp for breath. Our eyes are locked again and I see the questions have returned. I don’t know what to say. My head is spinning and all I can think about is having more of you. I can tell that you’re shutting down. The longer I don’t speak the more you retreat into yourself. I’ve told you I love you, that I’m in love with you but maybe that’s not what you need to hear.
“I want you.” I rasp.
You pin me with a look that shows all of the hidden passion you have burning for me.
“I’m scared. You, you have this power over me that you don’t even..” I begin but leave unfinished as I blush and look at the floor.
“Natalia..” This time you say my name with reverence.
You look at me like I’m your salvation. Then you look at me like you’re my damnation.
“Stop it Olivia. Just stop.” I say with steel in my voice. “Why won’t you let yourself love me?” I ask my voice thick with emotion.
“You deserve better.” You say simply.
“You deserve better.” My heart is breaking as I say it. I can tell your exasperated with me. You look like you want to rip your own hair out. But I need you to understand that making that choice, the choice to love me, it’s not going to be an easy road.
“What makes you think you deserve worse?” You say as I look up at your face. You’re doing some kind of reverse psychology on me. I smile at you for trying.
“Don’t you get it Olivia? You make me happy, this conversation not withstanding.” You say a note of sarcasm entering your voice.
“But choosing to love me is not..” I begin but you interrupt me.
“It’s not a choice Olivia!” You yell.
At that moment we both realize that most of the staff has probably heard our argument and we go silent. We agree to take some time to think about everything. I feel broken, like Humpty Dumpty except I don’t even want to try to put the pieces back together. As much as I’d like it to work out the truth is you deserve better. I hear a knock on my door. It’s Josh. For a second I’d hoped and dreaded that it was you.
“Mind if I come in?” Josh asks. I motion for him to enter and he does.
“So what’s going on with you and Natalia?” he asks bluntly.
“There is no me and Natalia.” I say to him seriously.
“Don’t try and bullshit me Olivia. I know you remember?” He says softly.
I sigh. “She deserves more than I can give her Josh.” I explain softly.
“You know it’s funny but I recall a conversation we had a few years ago about how you needed to get over your low self esteem issues.” Josh says kindly.
At first I don’t remember when he is talking about. Oh God. That tiny little apartment I loathed. I threw him out that night and then we made love. I smile as I remember it.
“Natalia is catholic, her values are important to her, she just can’t do it.” I say with a frustrated edge to my voice.
“And what does Natalia say?” He asks me.
“She says she loves me.” I say as I let out a frustrated sigh. I pause.
“She says she wants me and misses me.” I choke out.
Josh is smiling as his eyebrows move higher and higher on his face.
“She kissed me.” I practically whisper as I touch my lips and remember the moment vividly.
“How was it?” Josh asks obviously curious.
“It was mind blowing, earth shattering, heart stopping and all those other cheesy sentiments that people use to describe a really great kiss.” I say as I remember the soft swipe of your lips against mine like a ghost.
“Olivia it sounds like Natalia has made a choice to be with you. Maybe you should listen to her, follow her lead and see what happens.” Josh suggests with a little shrug as he puts his coat on to leave.
I say nothing as Josh leaves me alone with my thoughts about you and us. I haven’t moved into the new house. It’s ready and waiting but I just can’t force myself to leave the Beacon and move in there. It just feels wrong. The only place that feels right is wherever you are. You kissed me yesterday. I am still having a hard time believing it. I can’t get the stupid grin off of my face, you’re all I think about.
I’ve never loved anybody the way I love you. I haven’t told you that. I’m so scared that you’ll find out. If you knew how much I need you in my life. If you only knew how cowardly I am. You have always been my moral compass. You’re practically on a first name basis with God where as I’m the person that only talks to God when I need something. See, not good enough.
I know what I need to do. I call you and ask if I can come over after I call Jane to watch Emma. You of course say yes. It’s pretty obvious we need to talk this out once and for all. I get there and I reach my hand up to knock.
I pause my hand in mid air and flatten my palm on the front door as I smile leaning my head forward. I feel so silly knocking at the door of a place I still consider my home. My tears threaten to fall. Suck it up Olivia, I say to myself as I hear the door open and there you are standing before me looking absolutely radiant.
“I thought I heard your car. I’m glad your here.” You say with a shy grin.
I can’t help but return your smile as you usher me into the living room. You reach out to take my coat for me and I freeze in the action of taking it off. You’re too close to me. I can feel the heat of your body and hear the tiny hitch in your breath. I force myself out of my lust laden stupor to get my coat off successfully. You smile at me but your big brown eyes show your fear. I watch you hang up my coat and then we both go to sit down on the couch.
We sit there silently as I reminisce. We’ve made alot of memories in the short time we lived together that’s for sure. I snicker as I recall kissing you for the first time ever right here in this living room. My heart softens as I think of the movie nights we had with Emma. I still can’t believe David Hasselhoff was on the Spongebob Squarepants movie. I shake my head with amusement at the thoughts floating through my mind as I look up at your face to see you looking at me lovingly.
“I miss being able to just talk and joke with you Liv.” You say with sad eyes.
“Me too.” I choke out with a nod.
“And Liv, whether you believe it or not you are good enough for me. We both deserve to be happy and I was happiest here, with you and Emma. I miss how easy it was then.”
I nod. “I know I miss it too. But it’s not going to be easy again for a while. This,” I gesture between you and I. “wouldn’t be easy.” I say as I feel another piece of my heart break at what I’m doing.
“I don’t care if it’s hard. I’m not losing my family.” You say as you look me with a determined expression on your face.
I believe you. “I don’t know what to do.” I admit with a shrug. “I mean, what about your beliefs?”
“Exactly Olivia, MY beliefs. I believe God is love. He is always with me. He is my friend and my guide and he lead me to you.” You say as you look at me like I’m some sort of gift heaven sent especially for you.
“I believe everything happens for a reason.” You say as you grasp my hands in yours comfortingly. “Us, here, today, on this couch, having this discussion, I mean who’d have thought right?”
As soon as you touch me I’m lost. I came here to tell you that we can’t, that I’m not good enough, but your almost convincing me otherwise. How do you do that? I feel like I’m a better person because of just knowing you.
“You’re making it harder than it needs to be you know.” Christina’s voice echoes in my mind.
“You know it’s funny but I recall a conversation we had a few years ago about how you needed to get over your low self esteem issues.” I remember Josh saying.
And then your hand moves to my face and brushes my hair back softly. I feel the shock of it, electric and breathtaking. I gasp. You’re running your fingertips across my left eyebrow as I close my eyes. I feel the light dancing touch across my cheek and down my neck as I hear you giggle softly. I open my eyes to see you smiling at me.
You haven’t looked this healthy and happy in a long time. I noticed the dark circles under your eyes. I remember how your face scrunched up when you saw I hadn’t eaten my lunch. It must have taken everything in you not to comment on it. Thinking of it now makes me chuckle lowly and for a moment everything feels perfect, then the questions return.
“Alright, God might know the plan but I don’t, so now what?” I ask you with trepidation in my voice.
You almost laugh again as you shake your head and smile. “I have no idea. Take it slow I guess. I just want us to be comfortable with each other again.”
I feel my spirit rise at your honesty. I nod agreeing with you wholeheartedly. Josh and Christina were both right. If you think God would be okay with it then I guess I should be too. You said I make you happy. That has to be one of the best compliments I’ve ever received from anyone. I feel so grateful to have been given the chance to make you happy. This time I’m not going to fuck things up.
“Can I have a hug?” You ask as you see that I’m losing control of my emotions once more.
You know I need a hug so you turn it around. That’s so like you. I don’t think I could have resisted falling in love with you even if I’d realized it had been happening. I’m so relieved and overjoyed at this moment that none of that matters anymore. You snuggle up in my arms and I feel so safe and comforted. Maybe I won’t lose you, I think to myself. Maybe eventually we’ll both get our happy ending.
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